


Palpatine is Arrested for Fashion Crimes

by Peppermint_Shamrock



Series: Palpatine is the Worst and deserves to have his plans, day, and life ruined [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Naboo Culture and Customs (Star Wars), it's like getting al capone on tax evasion, only stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:36:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peppermint_Shamrock/pseuds/Peppermint_Shamrock
Summary: The Jedi have uncovered Darth Sidious's identity! Unfortunately, they don't have enough evidence to convict him, and so turn to Padmé for help.
Series: Palpatine is the Worst and deserves to have his plans, day, and life ruined [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884580
Comments: 112
Kudos: 1323





	Palpatine is Arrested for Fashion Crimes

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the other fic I wrote in the midst of the power-outage.

“This is...not good.”

 _Your capacity for understatement never ceases to amaze me, Master Kenobi_ , Mace thought, but he couldn’t make the words turn into speech. At the moment, as he stared grimly at the evidence Adi had laid before them, he couldn’t make any words come at all.

There were no words, after all, for how deeply in trouble they and the Republic were. No words for the extent of what the Sith had accomplished, and the potential for what they could accomplish all too soon.

Silence hung in the air – most of the Council was off-planet, and with the nature of this information...well, even the most secure comm couldn’t be relied on. And of those who remained, none of them seemed to be able to offer anything more substantial than Obi-Wan’s pale summary of their situation.

Mace looked into Adi’s grim, tight-set face and forced himself to speak as he met her eyes.

“We must move to arrest the Chancellor. Immediately. There’s no telling the damage that has already been done, and no telling the damage that will go forward tomorrow, and the next day.”

Adi shook her head with the barest of motion.

“We have no grounds to do so,” she said, a hint of frustration lacing her voice. “These holos – it’s clear to us what he is, but even if we could explain to the Senate what the Sith are...they are not, strictly speaking, illegal.”

“But he’s colluding with Dooku,” Obi-Wan said. “Surely that’s treason?”

“We can’t prove that it’s Dooku he’s speaking with in these images,” Adi said. “There’s too much distortion around whatever communication device he’s using, and the probe was unable to locate it after he left. The Chancellor must keep it with him.”

“There must be something,” Mace said, trying to keep his own frustration under control. “We cannot allow him to continue his plans.”

“Hm,” Yoda said, finally speaking up. “Yes, put a stop to the Sith, we _must_. But caution, we must use. Difficult to see, our path is. Dangerous, it is.”

“There must be something,” Obi-Wan frowned as he echoed Mace’s earlier words, and stroked his chin. “Even the worst nest of loopholes must have snags. Politicians are just as keen on ensnaring their enemies as they are avoiding their own consequences.”

Mace turned to Obi-Wan, sensing some hope in his words.

“You have an idea?”

“Perhaps. But it will be...unorthodox.”

“We absolutely _cannot_ bring Skywalker into this, Obi-Wan. You know how close he is with the Chancellor.”

“I wasn’t going to suggest involving Anakin,” Obi-Wan protested, sounding slightly offended. “We need a law expert.”

Mace exchanged a look with the others, before looking back at Obi-Wan. “I’m not sure that involving someone outside the Order would be wise. Few would understand the threat the Sith pose, and we can’t risk any word reaching the Chancellor that we’ve become aware of his true nature.”

“Senator Amidala understands at least something of the Sith,” Obi-Wan said. “Given what happened on Naboo all those years ago.”

“Senator Amidala is _also_ very close with the Chancellor,” Mace pointed out warily. But Adi looked thoughtful.

“Do you think we might be able to convince her, Obi-Wan? Even if the Chancellor is her friend, if she knew he was behind the war...”

“Principled, the Senator is,” Yoda said. “Helped us many times, she has, at great risk to herself. Help us again, perhaps she can. Yes...go to Senator Amidala, you will. Show her what you have shown us. Find a way where we cannot, she may.”

Mace was still uncertain. But the other three found the plan favorable, and there was no question that they had to taken action, so he set aside his reservations, and hoped that the Force would be with them.

.

.

Padmé was not overly concerned when she realized that someone had bypassed her security system. Even though last she had heard, Anakin was off fighting far away as usual, it wasn’t the first time he’d surprised her with an unexpected visit home, even so late at night. But when she stepped out into her entryway, she found considerably more Jedi than she was accustomed to sneaking into her apartment, and her husband not among them.

“Good evening, Senator,” Obi-Wan said pleasantly, though there seemed to be a bit of tension behind his smile. “We apologize for troubling you so late, but I’m afraid we may need your help on a matter of great importance.”

Padmé hid her disappointment at Anakin’s absence, and returned Obi-Wan’s smile as best she could.

“What can I do for you, Masters Jedi?” She glanced across Obi-Wan’s companions, recognizing them as Master Windu and Master Gallia. Perhaps it was her imagination, but they looked rather tense to her too. _What possibly could’ve happened to set three Jedi Masters so on edge?_ And what did she have to do with it? Hopefully nothing had happened to Anakin – no, they wouldn’t send three Jedi to talk to her about that, would they? Obi-Wan, perhaps, would come to her, but the others?

“Do you have a room with active jammers?” Master Windu asked tersely, but not unkindly. It did little to settle Padmé’s steadily growing concern.

“Yes, of course – this way,” she said, gesturing for them to follow her. “May I offer you any refreshments? Water? Caf? Juice?” she glanced back at them, seeing the tight lines in their faces, “Brandy?”

Obi-Wan opened his mouth, but Master Windu spoke first.

“I’m afraid we’ll be needing all our wits about us for this discussion, Senator. But perhaps after this is all over we’ll take you up on that offer.”

Obi-Wan closed his mouth, looking a bit put-out, but he and Master Gallia nodded their agreement as they followed Padmé into the room. She called for Threepio to bring water and juice, and they settled in as she double checked the jammers.

“We have...alarming news, Senator. I suspect you will not like what you hear, but...” Master Windu glanced at his companions, “I’ve been assured that you have the Republic’s best interests at heart.”

“Of course,” Padmé said, easily, wondering what she had inadvertently gotten too close to for them to doubt that. Or did this, in fact, have something to do with Anakin after all? “What is it?”

The Jedi all exchanged glances again, and for a long moment Padmé waited.

“We have reason to believe,” Obi-Wan finally spoke, his words slow and measured, “that the Chancellor is actively working against the Republic.”

“What‽” Padmé half-jumped up from her seat, and looked from face to face of her visitors, each of them set gravely. Nothing gave any indication that this was anything but genuine on their parts. But, still, “I can’t believe that,” she said, lowering herself back down into her seat. “Why would the Chancellor...why would he betray the Republic? And...why bring this to me?”

“Because few would believe us, Senator. The evidence we have – the pieces Master Gallia has put together are convincing to a Jedi, but without the context that we have...well, let’s just say you’re the one we thought most likely to hear us out.”

“Alright,” Padmé said, after taking a few moments to turn that over in her mind. “Show me this evidence then.”

They did, each piece painting a steadily growing picture that supported the Jedi’s unfortunate conclusion, and with each Padmé felt a growing sense of nausea. To think that the Chancellor was a Sith! To think that this whole senseless war lay at his hands, that he could’ve stopped it on a mere whim, but instead let the violence grow and fester…

Well. Padmé wasn’t going to stand for it. She would do everything she could to help the Jedi thwart him.

Unfortunately, her visitors were correct that it would be difficult to bring this against him.

“Who else knows about this?” she asked.

“Outside of this room? Only Master Yoda,” Master Gallia said. “He is preparing the Temple defenses in case...drastic action is needed.”

“I hope it doesn’t come to that,” Padmé said. From the looks on their faces, the Jedi agreed with her. She glanced back down at the evidence, her mind whirling with the potential in the word “drastic”.

Then something caught her eye.

The Jedi must have sensed her change in mood, as they all leaned forward, looking intently at her. “Senator? What is it?”

“I...I think I’ve got it,” she said, somewhat breathlessly. She paused, and returned with her voice strengthened as she looked up, and smiled just a touch viciously. “I know how to use this against him.”

.

.

Palpatine was not unused to dealing with the unexpected. In fact, he quite prided himself on being able to turn even the most unexpected developments to his advantage. That was how he’d gotten into office, after all.

That did not mean, however, that he was particularly _happy_ about his day being sent awry. Especially not when he was summoned to a hearing first thing in the morning by Senator Amidala.

A hearing. Preposterous. Anything...less than legal on his hands was _more_ than untraceable behind layers of middlemen and misdirection. So just what what could the Senator have to have brought about a hearing so unexpectedly? There had been no indications that she had been planning such a thing, and Palpatine was confident in the robustness of his sources – he _would_ have noticed if she had been sitting on potentially incriminating information or preparing a case against him. This could only be something she had taken immediate action on.

But what? If it had been something serious, surely she would have simply attempted to have him arrested, rather than summoned. But if it was something trivial, why would she call a hearing at all?

Well. He supposed he’d find out. It wouldn’t do well for him to refuse a summons, after all.

“Good morning, Chancellor,” Senator Amidala said as he entered the room, her tone pleasant enough but the sharpness in her presence indicating she wished him anything _but_. It was no matter. He glanced around the room, taking in all its occupants. Given that the cohort was almost entirely Naboo, he quickly surmised that this was something of a provincial issue rather than an executive or senatorial one.

The only thing that cast doubt on that conclusion was the presence of Master Windu, standing unobtrusively beside the politicians, aides, and bodyguards surrounding Senator Amidala.

Palpatine put on a slightly puzzled smile, just as pleasant and sincere as the Senator’s well-wishes. “Good morning, Senator Amidala,” he returned the greeting easily. “I must admit, I was surprised to receive this summons. I’m afraid I’m at a loss as to what this is all about.” He spread his arms out in a helpless gesture to accentuate his point.

“You have been summoned here, Chancellor Palpatine,” Senator Amidala said, her enunciation clear and professional, “on suspicion of violating Section 431 of Naboo’s Arts and Culture Presentation Act.”

Palpatine frowned. Section 431? Wasn’t that…?

The Senator continued. “Please, have a seat, Chancellor, so we can review the evidence with you.”

He sat, almost absent-mindedly, still trying to work out if that was what he thought it was. He was almost certain, but...it was so _trivial_. Even Senator Amidala would not pour so much energy into a concern about what he was wearing…

Yet, it seemed, however improbably, that she _would_.

And as she began displaying the evidence, the reason became uncomfortably more apparent.

 _How_ had she gotten those holos? And how much did the Jedi have to do with this? Palpatine resisted the urge to glance over at Master Windu. They had to have figured it out, right? His secret was out, ahead of schedule. There could be no other reason that this was happening; that Master Windu would be overseeing something as trivial as a hearing about _clothing_.

On the other hand, that made no sense at all. This whole arrangement pointed to Senator Amidala as the mastermind; after all, the Jedi made their distrust of politicians no secret, and their trappings of compassion meant that they’d never risk harm coming to bystanders, given the choice. Jedi, he knew – had thought – would make sure to confront him alone out of some misplaced ideal of protecting the innocent. And there were far too many people in this room for the Jedi to be comfortable with a confrontation. Unless this wasn’t a confrontation at all? But surely it must be – the Jedi would never allow him to continue to operate as Chancellor once they knew the truth.

There was not much that Palpatine could honestly say he was baffled by, but this left him well and truly confused. He could not remember the last time he had been caught so off-guard. All his plans…

Well, perhaps something could be salvaged. He didn’t _know_ whether the Jedi knew. He couldn’t imagine how they could look at those holos and guess otherwise, but he couldn’t risk giving them confirmation of any possible suspicions if there was even the _slightest_ amount of doubt in them right now. He would have to talk his way out of this.

“Facial recognition algorithms confirmed a match with your Excellency with a confidence of 93%. A DNA trace sweep confirmed your presence in these locations with relative frequency, confidence of 98%. Do you dispute that you are the person identified in these images?”

The consequences would be worse if he lied here, and it would be useless anyway, so he didn’t. “I do not.”

“And do you deny that the garments on your person in these images, taken across several days, are identical, perhaps even the same garments?”

So she really _was_ pursuing this. He considered how to answer. He could deny it, and they’d expect him to be able to produce multiple cloaks, similar enough to resemble the one displayed in the holos, but different enough to meet with the satisfaction of Naboo’s customs – which in this case, boiled down to its essence, were to not wear the same clothing more than once.

Pretending that he did might delay the proceedings, but it would also result in a search of his belongings. Something that, if the Jedi were, in fact, looking for evidence of his Sith nature, would only bring trouble.

Besides, he had a far stronger point on which to dispel this whole matter.

“I do not. Senator, I must say that this whole affair is a rather trivial concern...”

She cut him off. “Do you deny that you, in repeat wearings of these garments, were in violation of Section 431, and not under any of the exceptions detailed in Clause R?”

 _Enough of this._ He fixed the Senator with just a touch patronizing smile, as if scolding a child with no idea how the real world worked. “Senator Amidala, the war is my priority right now. I’m afraid our quaint and elaborate traditions must sometimes fall to the wayside in the face of such things.”

The Senator, annoyingly, was not in the least cowed. “Do you deny it?” she asked, her gaze firm and uncompromising.

Palpatine responded with a put-upon sigh. “I’m afraid I cannot.”

Senator Amidala nodded, and Palpatine tried not to bristle at her barely hidden self-satisfaction. _I don’t know what you believe you have won, here, Senator, but this little game will end in_ my _favor_.

But he showed nothing of his snarling thoughts as she glanced across at her companions, including the droids that were recording the hearing. She returned her gaze to him. “Then let the record state that under Section 431, you, Chancellor Palpatine, are found in violation of Naboo’s Arts and Culture Presentation Act, and as such are required to perform service at one of the accredited Recycling Looms for the minimum duration outlined by Clause E. I have already spoken with the Queen; this sentence is to be served immediately.”

It finally clicked just what was going on here. This wasn’t about the clothing; that was just a front. Yes, technically he’d violated that law, but that was hardly what the Senator – and she _must_ have realized, or been told, what the holos indicated – or the Jedi were concerned with. They just had no proof of his wrongdoing in that regard, and were resorting to exploiting _frivolities_ to send him out of the way. Perhaps to buy time to find greater evidence, perhaps to trick him into giving himself away, perhaps any number of things. It didn’t matter. He had no intention of leaving, and surely no one without suspicions of his true purposes would accept the idea of the Chancellor being forced to leave in the middle of the war simply because of his _clothing choices_!

And so it was on this point that he argued back. “ _Surely_ , you’re not proposing to send me away while we are in the midst of this dire conflict...”

“The Republic does not depend on a single man, Chancellor – I assure you that our armed forces can continue to operate in your absence.”

“Of course, of course, Senator. But it is hardly _wise_...I see no reason why this sentence cannot be postponed until this conflict has passed; it is hardly a critical offense. I can of course pay a fine, if necessary...”

“You may submit an appeal through the proper channels, Chancellor,” Senator Amidala said as she rose from her seat. “But in the meantime, the sentence stands. For security, to prevent the Separatists from taking advantage of this, Master Windu and a detachment of his troopers will escort you to Naboo to serve out this sentence. Even so, we wish to move quickly, to minimize the chances that the Separatists will become aware of this movement in advance. I must ask that you follow Master Windu to the escort ship now.”

It wasn’t a request.

Palpatine looked around. Surely, someone other than him had to recognize how absurd it was to send him to serve a sentence for such a trivial offense? And yes, even as he looked, he could see and sense confusion from many of the attendees. Yet no one made any move to interfere.

He considered simply attacking, cutting down all these fools – _especially_ Senator Amidala – and burying the whole ridiculous thing. But even with his formidable powers, he wouldn’t be able to slaughter them all before Master Windu intervened. And there were likely more Jedi lurking nearby, just waiting for him to give himself away. And who knew if the recordings were live…

No, he had to hold himself in check, no matter how much it _burned_ in him to render them all crushed and broken under his hands, or else he’d lose everything he and a millennium of Sith plans had worked for.

He rather felt like he was losing it, regardless, but no. This was just a setback. A deep setback, perhaps, but not insurmountable. He would adapt to this, and he would make every last person responsible for this setback suffer weeks of agony before stuffing their mangled corpses for macabre trophies. Yes…yes, he could endure for now with fantasies and promises.

For now.

As he ruminated quietly on how he would accomplish his revenge, Representative Binks shuffled over.

“Meesa thinken yousa Naboo have moy-moy strange law, Chancellor. Gungans not havin’ law like that. Gungans wear what theysa want. Hey! Yousa friend to Gungans, maybe yousa come live with us later, okee-day?”

Palpatine had never before been familiar with the sensation of _horror_ , and the unfamiliar emotion caused his already fraying self-control to flee entirely. A millennium of planning, _decades_ of his own direct machinations, those goals that he still thought he could’ve clung to even as they were slipping out of his grasp...all of that was burned under the storm of frustration and rage that finally broke free and consumed him.

In a word, Palpatine _snapped_.

And Mace Windu’s lightsaber met Palpatine’s lightning with a swiftness that denied Palpatine even a moment’s satisfaction.

**Author's Note:**

> Anakin returns home some time later, grumpy and confused that his wife 1) arrested the Chancellor and 2) is casually drinking brandy with a quarter of the Jedi Council in their apartment.


End file.
